how to deal with extremely confusing emotional situations without buying bus tickets out of town or digging smallish graves in the backyard.

Children make no sense.

I mean, I know they aren't supposed to, because they are children---but sometimes they impress me with their ability to confound.

This morning A. James screamed for two and a half hours.

Why?

Don't ask me.

It started because she had an accident in her bed last night and I asked her to take a bath.

How asking someone to clean urine off their body angers them to the point of throwing a full blown tantrum for two and a half hours beats the heck out of me.

Maybe I just need to be almost four.

So today is a tutorial for parental figures:

how to deal with extremely confusing emotional situations without buying bus tickets out of town or digging smallish graves in the backyard.

I haven't always had this secret, awesome parenting technique but recently it has been working pretty well in my house so I thought I'd share.

Step one.  Find a cookie dough recipe you enjoy.
Step two:  Mix up cookies.
Step three: Don't preheat the oven.  Actually, you won't need the oven at all.
Step four:  Scoop out cookies onto a cookie sheet.  Place cookie sheet into freezer.  Allow cookie dough to freeze.

Step five:  Place little delicious balls of cookie dough into a freezer safe bag.  Label "emergency use only."

Whenever your child does something ridiculously confusing or behaves in an irrational way you'll want to eat anywhere from 1-10 cookie dough balls (depending on the size of the cookie dough balls and amount of unreasonable your child is laying on at the given moment).

For example.  This morning I had about 3 ping pong ball sized bites of cookie dough within the two and a half our span of crazy that was my house.

The only downside to this method is that you have to anticipate the crazy and have the cookie dough prepared ahead of time.  Dont worry, this isn't a problem.  Go ahead and make it right now.  Also, put aside all fears that  you are going to "make all this cookie dough and never get to use it" because c'mon.  Your kid is bound to do something sooner or later that makes about as much sense as Scientology.  No fears.  Also, sometimes it is a good idea to go ahead and eat about 3-4 cookie balls in the morning, just to give yourself the upper hand to control any situation that might break out.  It never hurts to be prepared.

...if someone questions your method and says something like, "that sounds really unhealthy" or "there are better ways to deal with a situation besides emotional eating" or "you'll get salmonella from raw eggs" just let them know you use this recipe and that it isn't "bad!"  It is delicious AND good parenting.

Then go and eat 2 cookie dough balls.