how to deal with extremely confusing emotional situations without buying bus tickets out of town or digging smallish graves in the backyard.

Children make no sense.

I mean, I know they aren't supposed to, because they are children---but sometimes they impress me with their ability to confound.

This morning A. James screamed for two and a half hours.

Why?

Don't ask me.

It started because she had an accident in her bed last night and I asked her to take a bath.

How asking someone to clean urine off their body angers them to the point of throwing a full blown tantrum for two and a half hours beats the heck out of me.

Maybe I just need to be almost four.

So today is a tutorial for parental figures:

how to deal with extremely confusing emotional situations without buying bus tickets out of town or digging smallish graves in the backyard.

I haven't always had this secret, awesome parenting technique but recently it has been working pretty well in my house so I thought I'd share.

Step one.  Find a cookie dough recipe you enjoy.
Step two:  Mix up cookies.
Step three: Don't preheat the oven.  Actually, you won't need the oven at all.
Step four:  Scoop out cookies onto a cookie sheet.  Place cookie sheet into freezer.  Allow cookie dough to freeze.

Step five:  Place little delicious balls of cookie dough into a freezer safe bag.  Label "emergency use only."

Whenever your child does something ridiculously confusing or behaves in an irrational way you'll want to eat anywhere from 1-10 cookie dough balls (depending on the size of the cookie dough balls and amount of unreasonable your child is laying on at the given moment).

For example.  This morning I had about 3 ping pong ball sized bites of cookie dough within the two and a half our span of crazy that was my house.

The only downside to this method is that you have to anticipate the crazy and have the cookie dough prepared ahead of time.  Dont worry, this isn't a problem.  Go ahead and make it right now.  Also, put aside all fears that  you are going to "make all this cookie dough and never get to use it" because c'mon.  Your kid is bound to do something sooner or later that makes about as much sense as Scientology.  No fears.  Also, sometimes it is a good idea to go ahead and eat about 3-4 cookie balls in the morning, just to give yourself the upper hand to control any situation that might break out.  It never hurts to be prepared.

...if someone questions your method and says something like, "that sounds really unhealthy" or "there are better ways to deal with a situation besides emotional eating" or "you'll get salmonella from raw eggs" just let them know you use this recipe and that it isn't "bad!"  It is delicious AND good parenting.

Then go and eat 2 cookie dough balls.

Dear Life, Where are my pain pills and crackers now?

I have a theory on why they only keep you in the hospital for two nights after you deliver.  It has less to do with insurance and more to do with meconium hitting the fan on day three.  You are allowed two glorious nights with friendly nurses bringing you crackers and pain pills before you are shipped off into a world where you are doing well if your eating rice straight from the cooker on the stove. Oh, and by the way the peanut butter in crackers will now cause your baby to writhe in pain.

My husband was only able to be off with us for a week.  I panicked, but reassured myself with the thought that I'd be okay.  I had naively assumed that I would be able to keep everything under control.  I had done this before, right?  How hard could it possibly be? New baby and a four year old who was pretty much self sufficient.  She can wipe herself and use a toaster, what else does she need?   Plus, I had plenty of people who could keep me company.  I certainly didn't lack people who wanted to visit and cuddle the new baby.


Yeah, fast forward to the second day home with the children sans husband where I lost it.  I cried myself silly all day long.  Happy (who wasn't so happy then) was having stomach troubles and I was trying desperately to deal with that AND tame an attention hungry toddler. One night I called the lactation nurses in tears.  The baby had been crying for over an hour and we had tried everything.  I choked out my responses to her questions before hearing these words, “Is this for your first child?” 

Uncontrollable crying

 “No, she’s my second.”  I know lady.  I’ve been down this road before and here I was boo-hooing to a complete stranger on the phone.  I can't keep my baby from crying. I should know what I’m doing, but I don’t.  All of those months planning and preparing A. James to be an independent, confident big sister went down the drain.  She all of a sudden needed "help" doing the simplest tasks and was a monster if she didn't get x amount of attention from mom and dad a day.  As for the guests?  No way. The last thing I wanted was for my family and friends to see how much of a complete wreck I was.  New mom's are supposed to be happy and cheerful, not acting like this!  I was disappointed with myself.  I’m a failure as a mom.  Come take my license away that allows me to use my kids as excuses to hold the animals in Petco.

This is how I felt every. Single. Day.

Fail, fail, fail.

I wanted to know who it was that painted this glamorous picture of new moms and new babies.  Where days are spent cuddled beneath a down comforter while your “sex-deprived and okay with it” husband brings you breakfast in bed, quietly, not to disturb the aura of bliss radiating out of the room, all the while thinking what a peaceful and happy life you have.  Where the laundry gets done and there is always something warm and delicious on the table.  Where your older daughter is happy and not having a melt down because you are out of sunbutter and this means you no longer love her.

Ah, the glamorous life of a new mom.

Did I just describe your life?  If so can I call you?  I’d really like to pick your brain and figure out what I’m doing wrong over here.  Not that my husband isn’t wonderfully helpful.  He is.  But even with all his help, I feel like I am barely able to keep my head above water most days and I practically drown the others.  I look around at all the other new moms and get this “I’m doing awesome and not crying every night” vibe. Friends want me to hang out and visit and I feel like a total mess.  Heck, a successful day means that I’ve showered.  If I’m wearing clean underwear and remembered to brush my teeth---bonus points.


Happy is ten weeks old now and I can almost see a faint outline of what might be normal if I squint and wish really, really hard.  TEN WEEKS!  I feel like I should have had things together a long, long time ago. We are just now starting to leave the house without help from my husband.  However, to be fair, most of the time it is just to drive to my grandmother’s house and  I've gone to Kroger with both kids twice---a feat to which I felt deserved some type of trophy. 

I know it will get better, it does every day.  As Happy gets older and is able to stay occupied for longer periods of time.  As she starts to smile and coo my heart melts and I forget about all the hours of bouncing and crying and crying and bouncing.  They say moms forget about how hard it is with a newborn baby.  That must explain it.  Otherwise you’ve got to be a stark raving mad woman to do this again and again.  

Where we go to the mall and now I have to build a time machine

Have you been to the mall on a Saturday night lately?  Seriously, go to the mall.  You may need to take some sort of anxiety medication before you go if  are a mom of a toddler and a newborn.  Heck, take it regardless just to be safe.  I haven’t been to the mall in years and most certainly not on a Saturday night.  If I have been, it is during the week early in the day to let A. James ride the carousel and so I can eat an almond pretzel from Aunt Annies.   Yummm.  Even delicious pretzels cant fix this mess.

See I needed to get out of the house.  I’ve been in the house for toooo long with two kids.  N. James went out of town for work and I was single mom-ing it (except for one glorious night where my cousin came to stay and I was convinced that a two mom relationship would solve all the world’s problems, but that is another story for another post).  Jump to husband coming home, we decide to head out of town for some Qdoba, grocery shopping, frozen yogurt and a quick stop by the mall for a carousel ride and some nursing bras.  

Yes, we had an exciting Saturday planned. 

We didn’t leave until around 3pm because we still suck at time management and juggling two kids.  If we would have left a few hours earlier we would have missed the gruesome sites of the mall and maybe then I wouldn’t need to build a time machine, but it didn’t happen.  See, Saturdays after 6 pm the mall turns into a breeding ground for middle school kids.  A big disgusting breeding ground where twelve year olds are making out behind American Eagle and walking around with their hands in each other’s back pockets by Build-a-Bear.  Little girls traveling in packs wearing eye shadow and lipstick sit around in the food court with their phones out texting.  Gross.  I swear I saw on three different occasions a girl asking her girlfriends to “go ask that guy in the yellow hat for his number.”  

Seriously, girls.  The only “Guy in the Yellow Hat” you should be worried about is Curious George’s friend.  Now go eat your fruit snacks and later we can make macaroni pictures. For real, these kids aren’t even old enough to drive to the mall and here they are swapping spit in the photo booths.  I had to keep myself from grabbing a few and asking, “Does your mother know you are wearing this?!” 

Sigh. 

I think what made me the most upset is that not only will that be my precious little angels in ten years, but that I realized just how old I am getting.  Instead of giving high-fives because “Guy in the Yellow Hat” seriously had it going on, I’m thinking about building a time machine to keep my girls young and making a mental note to look up all girl schools in Alaska (no mini-skirts there!) when I get home. 

Ugg.  When did I get this old?  Did it happen all of a sudden or gradually?  Am I going to start using phrases like “kids nowadays” and “back when I was young” soon? What's next?  I stop laughing at penis jokes and start seeing the appeal of Matlock?

Yuck. 

When we left I told Nathan that we had to start saving up money for a bribe vacation fund.  That way when it looked like A. James was getting too serious with a guy we could distract her with a vacation to the Greek Isles.  

“Would that have worked with you?  Would you have chosen a vacation to the Greek Isles over me?”  Trick question?

 “No, but you were different.”  I said.

“Yeah, that’s what they think too.”

When did he get all wise and sage-like?  Probably around the same time I started freaking out on the middle school girls inside of Victoria Secret.

Babies on Quilts: 9 weeks

Quilt:  Disappearing 9-patch, a gift from my Aunt :)

the one where I start cloth diapering

Part of the new baby agreement I had with my husband was that I could cloth diaper.  Also, that I could dress her in adorable hats.

#1 Reason to have kids

I spent far too much time online obsessing about diapers.  Seriously, it is embarrassing how much time I spent reading reviews and looking at prices, harassing friends who do cloth diaper. Thinking there was a light at the end of this tunnel then seeing a link for cloth safe detergents.  What?!  You have to be picky about detergents and diaper creams.  Sighing deeply and reading 200 million contradicting posts about how Tide is the devil, but everyone still uses it.  Finally, I had to just do something.  Anything.  I just couldn't read any more about cloth diapering.  So, here it is.  The low down on what is going on on the business end of my new kid. 

I decided to go with prefolds and diaper wraps. Mainly for these two reasons:

Bummis Whisper Wrap over prefold

 1) I am cheap. You need to buy a dozen or so prefold diapers and a couple of wraps.  Wraps don't need to be washed every time they get used.  Most of the yuck gets on the prefold and you can just wipe the wrap (or not) and reuse it with the next diaper change.

2) I wanted my diapers to fit. I had big plans to cloth diaper my newborn as soon as she got here and the general consensus is that most other types of cloth diapering systems don't really fit a newborn's tiny (and adorable) toosh. 

Maybe later I'll use the fancy pocket diapers or the All-in-One (AIO) diapers, but right now prefold and covers are working just fine.

I'm using homemade wipes which are basically flannel squares cut and serged.  These get dampened with water and then stuck in a wipe warmer I bought at the Salvation Army for $5.  I bought the pillow pad from Walmart for a couple of bucks.  You don't want to give your wipes time to mold and smell funky so don't load the warmer down with hundreds of wipes.  I put just enough wipes in for the day and add more as needed.  Some people use special solutions for their wipes.  I'm not right now although I was sent a few samples of Monkey Doodlez from Green Diaper Demos with my order.  There are hundreds of websites with recipes to make your own solutions if you want to save some moo-la.

I'm using Imagine brand prefolds from Nicki's Diapers along with the Bummis Super Brite and Bummis Whisper diaper covers.  I also bought about 20 Little Lion seconds in infant size from Green Diaper Demos that are too big still.  I also bought a container of CJ's BUTTer to use on baby's bottom which I LOVE.  It isn't gross and thick like other ointments, it is cloth diaper friendly and spreads on nice.  Plus you can buy little sample containers which fit wonderfully in your diaper bag.  She hasn't had terrible diaper rash so I can't vouch on how well it works for that.

For cloth diaper clean up I am rinsing the yuck off with cold water.  To avoid stains I'm using a watered down solution of peroxide and Dr. Bronner's castile soap in a bottle.  I squirt this on the diaper and rub it into the stain before throwing it into a bucket of cold water.  Then I take the pail downstairs where I do a cold rinse cycle followed by a normal cycle (extra rinse on heavy soiled) with Ecos laundry detergent.

Disposables?!?!

I've read to not leave diapers in your bucket for longer than three days.  I only own 10 newborn prefold diapers so I can't go that long anyway.  Plus, I'm a little OCD about laundry, especially soiled laundry, so I wash every day or every other day if things get crazy.  If you paid close attention to the picture of my stack you probably noticed disposable diapers and wipes.  Gasp.  Confession: I'm not exclusively cloth diapering.  I had envisioned a life where a disposable never touches my babies skin, but then reality hit.  Having a new baby is crazy and while I'd like to think of myself as mother nature, it was just too stressful to think about doing full time.  Maybe once things get back to normal (ha! does that even exist once you have kids) I'll step it up.  Right now, I try to use at least three cloth diapers a day when I'm home (if not more) but I occasionally use a disposable throughout the day and always at night.      

Q&A break.

Why Imagine Brand?  Because they are cheaper than the GMD prefolds(Green Mountain Diapers which are supposed to be THE LEXUS of PREFOLDS) and I wasn't going to spend the extra cash and not be sure I really wanted to cloth diaper. 

Why Nicki's Diapers and Green Diaper Demos?  Nicki's happened to be the first place I found that offered a cloth diaper registry for showers. Green Diaper Demos popped up when I was searching for little lion prefolds.  They have been wonderful to work with (very friendly customer service).

Why Bummis Super Brite and Whisper?  That's what GMD told me to do.  However, I like the way that the Whisper wrap fits better than the Super Brite once her cord fell off.

Why Eco's laundry detergent?  There are several places like here and here you can go to look for cloth diaper friendly detergents.  I decided on Ecos because I live in a small town with very limited access to "green" resources.  Ecos was something that was recommended on the charts and my Wal-Mart happened to carry.  Win-win.


Disclaimer.  This is not meant to be a "how to" guide.  If you haven't noticed, I am not an expert or anything remotely resembling one.  If you want a more detailed and professional guide try any of the following websites below.


Diaperswappers
The Cloth Diaper Whisperer
Green Mountain Diapers
Diaper Pin

Babies on Quilts: Six Weeks

Made by me :)  Simple blocks framed with three inch strips!

Babies on Quilts: 5 weeks

Quilt by Me.  Original Design.

Babies on Quilts: 3 weeks

Crocheted by my sister-in-law

Babies on Quilts: 3 days

Quilt: soft minky dot with tags by my aunt :)

Where I return

For the record I most certainly have not been sitting around eating bon-bons while my pregnant belly grows and grows to the point of being highly uncomfortable.

I'm not really even sure what a bon-bon is to be honest.

I have been neglecting blogging while I have been moving into another house, doing a ridiculous amount of quilting and crafting, worrying about whether or not I'll be able to sanely transition into being a family of four, baking an embarrassing amount of these brownies, attempting to read The Complete Buddhism for Mothers and trying to squeeze in a small amount of "me" time before baby arrives.

.....all while my pregnant belly grows and grows to the point of being highly uncomfortable.  But, I can't complain.  It comes along with the territory, right?  Along with your normal walk slowly transitions into a full blown graceful pregnant waddle, waking up 100 times a night to pee, popping Tums before every meal and (so far my personal favorite) your three year old daughter looking strangely at your breasts, crinkling up her nose before asking, "Mama, why do they look like that now?"----Ah, the wonderful and glamorous life of a pregnant woman.

The fun part is people literally trip over themselves to help me do pretty mundane things.  I can eat four pancakes on the weekends (not that I've been doing that).  I get to go to the bathroom in places that are supposed to be "staff only" bathrooms and I stay constantly entertained with the idea that there is an alien life growing inside of me, stealing my body's space and nutrients and waiting---patiently---for the right time to escape.  Then the real fun begins.

Here are some visual images of what I've been doing. Enjoy.



Maternity/Family Pictures taken by Rebecca Johnston Photography



an attempt to put some ducks in a row

So.  Last time we talked I was obsessed with quilts.

Not much has changed.  Still mentally working out patterns in my head.  It seems like every tutorial I find is a weird size (or maybe just the quilt size I want is strange) and I get frustrated at trying to work math in my head to decide just how much fabric I really need to make a quilt that looks like the one in the pattern, but is bigger/smaller/larger blocks/smaller blocks.

Wish I would have paid better attention in Math.  Or that Math classes would have included a special "how to relate this to quilting" section.

So.  Besides my own special November baby, I have many friends and family who are also expecting bundles by the end/beginning of this next year.  They need quilts too.

Here are my thoughts.

Warning:  If you are expecting a baby and are a friend/family member of mine and you think I may make you a quilt AND you want to be surprised----stop reading.  Visit here instead and do some prenatal yoga.  However, if you know me well---you also know I change my mind frequently and your quilt might look nothing like this.

This pregnancy has been WORLDS different from my last with A. James.  I feel icky.  I feel tired.  I keep having weird side effects.  I want to eat loads and loads of sauerkraut.  Not the pleasant walk through the daisies as before.  Blah.  I'm just glad I haven't had morning sickness.  I just hope this means that baby will enjoy car rides more than A. James (who even at three still despises the car).  Consolation prize??

So, what does this mean?  Well, sometimes I have the energy/concentration it takes to do elaborate time consuming things and other times....not so much.  I want to make some beautiful quilts but I want something quick (and fun) that I can actually commit to and (hopefully) accomplish.  Thank you Moda Bake Shop Welcome Spring Quilt.

A beautifully simple quilt!  All I need is 17 strips of a Jelly Roll (or 1/4 yard of six different fabrics cut into 3-2.5 inch strips).

Also, if i cut my own-- each 1/4 yard cut will leave a 1.5 inch strip left over and give me enough to make some blocks from the Counting by Five  quilt.  Win-Win!

Nesting in quilt form? Hey, it beats scrubbing the bathroom floor.

So, I have become obsessed with the idea of making quilts for my baby.  I am spending way too much time online looking up different quilt patterns and fabrics and dreaming (yes, actually having dreams about) the "perfect quilt."  I don't plan on leaving big sister out.  A. James will have a matching quilt and I am using her favorite fabric as inspiration:

The Far, Far Away line by Heather Ross.



Groceries or Fabric?  Tough choice.



I came to this conclusion after falling in love with the Mendocino mermaids, deciding A. James MUST have a mermaid quilt....and then going on etsy and finding out that a FAT QUARTER costs anywhere between 15 to 25 dollars. 

I love my daughter.  There are many things I would do for her.  Spending 25 dollars on a piece of fabric barely big enough to do anything with just isn't one of those things. (Well, it is.  However, I have my doubts that I would be able to convince the husband that it is worth it.) Maybe that makes me a bad mom?  Maybe I would just rather buy groceries this week.

Sorry Ava.

No mermaid fabric for you.

But you can have this!  Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, Snow white!  Cute baby deer! 

Fair?

I really do love this fabric.  One of her favorite stories is Rapunzel and when I showed her this fabric she was pretty excited.  Then again who wouldn't be?

Now for a design. 

I have a few favorite quilt patterns, but I am really liking this one by Lucy and Norman.  There isn't a tutorial, but it looks like just random sized blocks: star, nine patch, four patch, square in square.  I should be able to tackle that. 

Here is another quilt pattern I am loving right now:

Lawn Chair Quilts by Moda Bake Shop

As always.  Suggestions are welcome.

Where I am inspired to freeze some food

As my baby (and belly) continues to grow and grow it is becoming more "real" that I am going to have some very exciting life changes in the next few months.  I am 21 weeks and over half way there. 

Which means I need to get in gear and make some plans.

A few days ago I had this panic moment.

You know.  It went a little like this:

How in the world am I going to do this?
Am I insane?
How can I manage a new baby, a three year old, laundry, cooking, cleaning, being a wife AND have time for myself?
What am I going to do about food?
I'd like to cloth diaper, but is that just crazy? Like I need more to do?!
What if I am buried alive in tons of dirty clothes and diapers?

I took some deep yoga breaths.  Did a little self reassuring and tried to think like a calm and rational human being.

Luckily for me I saw a great post by a friend on facebook.  She is also expecting and is planning on freezing her own meals so she doesn't have to cook from August to October (wow, I know right?!).  I was inspired and thought I might try my hand at doing something similar.  It sure would make things easier, right?

So, I've been stalking her blog.  Sending her tons of messages and generally picking her brain trying to figure out how to go about pulling this off.

Here are a few recipes I thought I might try.  If you have any experience freezing foods and have some recipes to try, please chime in!

Crustless Mini Quiches
Crock pot Falafel
Black Bean Salsa Quesadillas
Spicy Rice Balls
Vegetarian "Chicken" Green Bean Casserole
Oatmeal Pie Bars
Sun-dried tomato Spinach Bake

I could go on for a while, but I'm just going to leave it at that. 
Wish me luck!

Where two must share a room

We have two bedrooms.  Small bedrooms.  As much as I would like to spend my hours decorating another baby room and adding all those little adorable touches, I just don't have that option.  My husband wasn't cool with us sleeping in the living room.  So, the only other option is for A. James and New Baby to share a room.

Honestly, I doubt the baby will be spending much time in their room.  First off, there isn't another room for an additional bed.  Second, I am planning on nursing and don't feel like running across the house 100 times a night for several months.  We will probably just get a co-sleeper for our bedroom.  Who am I kidding?  The baby will just sleep with us until I'm no longer nursing throughout the night---and probably even longer then.  I like cuddling with babies.  Third, I love and trust my A. James, but I wouldn't put it past her to try and climb in bed with the baby or bring him/her into her own bed.  It is just too much temptation.

Pretty much the "sharing" part will just be the storage space for all their things: clothes, toys, swings and all the other "necessary" baby equipment.  However, I still want to make some changes to the current room to help with the transition from A. James having her own space to having this new needy stranger move in (and so I can properly nest).

I'm thinking a vintage woodland theme.  I've always liked this and I have several owls and nature-esque themed aspects in the room already.  There are just quite a few changes I need to make.  Like adding these:

Fun woodland garland/buntings:


Burlap and Embroidered Garland by Rita



Red Poppy Garland by Ioana

Some new curtains which will either be vintage or I really do need an excuse to buy some of these fabrics and make some of my own.   I have a hard time resisting anything with owls or birds....or little hedgehogs, or snails....or mushrooms.  Okay, I might have a hard time resisting fabric in general.

So this, plus some shelves on the walls with little jars of pinecones, rocks a few potted plants---all which we already have.  Maybe some embroidery hoops featuring some of my favorite fabrics and a few cute owl or snail another one of Lolly Chops cute embroidery patterns.

Also, I'll need to make a few of these Toadstool seats, because c'mon.  Do I really need to explain it?

If you have any other suggestions, let me know!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...right?

Where in the world have I been the past month??

Good question.  Glad you asked.

Computer monitor broke so the only Internet access I've had for month has been my phone (which makes typing up long blog entries impossible).  Boo.

Enjoying a random trip to the Zoo and the reunion of Ava with "Ava" (the goat).

On the way home I get a phone call from my sister who says she "might be in labor."  We all were a little surprised because this was two weeks before her due date.  After three more days of playing "I'm coming, no...wait I'm not"  we spent Mother's day holding our new addition "Evelyn Kate" or "Cricket" as A. James calls her.



Working, working, working---frantically trying to finish up the quilt for Miss Cricket (who---as I mentioned before-- decided to come so early).  Learning how to make "wonky log cabins" from Miss Kellie.  Becoming obsessed with making wonky log cabins and spending quite a bit of time looking at them online and making my own.

Starting new projects for all the new babies who will arrive soon including one in November that I think is going to be pretty special :)

9 weeks, 12 weeks, 14 weeks and 17 weeks

As I may have mentioned before, I am a professional worrier so as usual I've been trying to over plan this thing into the ground---trying to think up every possible scenario that might occur once the bambino gets here so everything goes smoothly and perfectly (yeah, right).  I should know better...."the best laid plans of mice and men..."  Yadda.  Yadda.  I'm working on it.  Also, you should feel very privileged.  Not only does it go against my character to take pregnancy pictures (seriously, maybe one exists from my first pregnancy), but to share them?!  On the Internet?!  With strangers?! 

See, I'm stepping out of my comfort level box. 

One foot at a time.

To A. James on her third birthday

Warning.  Mushy Mama Stuff


A. James, little bird---

Tomorrow we will celebrate your 3rd birthday. We will celebrate three years you’ve been in our lives, although it is difficult to remember what life was like without here. You are not a baby anymore—although you will still be my baby when you are have your own family and I am old woman.

You are now a little girl. You’ve lost your baby face and I can only see slight resemblances to your baby pictures. You are a funny girl. You are a clever girl. You are a compassionate and loving girl. You are everything I had hoped you to be and much more I could never have imagined.

It is hard for a Mama to watch her little girl grow up. It is bittersweet. I love watching you learn and discover. It shocks me to hear you say words that are reserved for “big girls” and use them correctly in sentences. You sleep in your own bed, in your own room. You no longer wear diapers or need my assistance doing as much. You are becoming more independent and want to be alone with your friends. I am proud to see you so brave and self assured. Your drawings are recognizable and it is amazing to see how they’ve evolved from tiny little scribbles into people, horses, mermaids---and other things you love.  You can even write your name now! 

It has been a joy to have watched you change from the tiny little baby into the girl you are today. I am so thankful to your father who has worked so hard so that I can stay home to have this rare opportunity to nurture you and watch you develop into the woman you will someday (sooner than I think) be. 

Until then I will try to remind myself that children grow faster than we'd like and take the time to cuddle you when you want to be cuddled, read to you when you want to be read to, hold you when you want to be held, kiss you when you want to be kissed-----all because I know that the day will come when I’ll have to set my little bird free.

Then you'll not want me to hold you as often, you’ll be able to read books without my help and you’ll be “too big” to have your mother kiss you or cuddle you at night.

Happy Birthday my little girl.

Love,

Mama

*This book always makes me cry.





Where I become a terrible, terrible mother

Yesterday, I watched a great video from TED.  It was about common taboos that parents hold.  It was a wonderful presentation by a husband and wife, but I think they left out one important taboo.  I am going to demonstrate it today.

You don't complain about your child or about being a parent. 

Complaining about parenting/parenthood means that you are just "not cut out" to be parenting.  You should have your parenting licence revoked and your child given to someone who can better handle the situation.

When I feel like complaining---or when I start to complain---I worry that I'm not a good mom.  When I start to feel like I just need to go hide in a corner some where---I make myself stop and look over my shoulder for that smiling, always happy, fresh lipstick mom who is ready to step in to be a better mama than me---while baking cookies.

Fact: A. James has never been really sick.  She has had little snuffly noses when the seasons change and always gets flu-like symptoms when she cuts teeth----but never really seriously ill.  Sure, she fell off of a chair and broke her arm two months after her second birthday---but she hasn't been ill.

I like to credit this to 14 months of breastfeeding, by the way.

I knew that our healthy streak wouldn't last forever.  I knew that those little ninja antibodies in her body would eventually fail her and she would catch something.  However, I am a dreamer.  I really thought that with proper diet and exercise we could hold it off forever.

I was wrong.

After two sleepless nights we took her to the doctor.  She has an upper respiratory tract infection.   My daughter is exhausted, aggravated, whiny and doesn't understand why she can't play with her friends, go to the library, visit Grandma or go sledding.  She is mad at me for making her drink and eat when she doesn't feel like it.  She yells at me because her nose hurts from blowing it so much---for insisting that she drink water instead of milk or take a cool bath and for sneaking medicine into her sippy cup.  She is so angry that she doesn't feel well. 

She has never been this way before.

The icing on this cake is that I'm supposed to be helping out with family in the hospital.  I supposed to be driving up and down the roads---running errends, delivering soup and keeping people company.  I can't do this with a feverish child in the back seat.  So, I am useless to my family when they need me to be Superwoman right now.

I understand.  I practice patience.  I practice kindness.  I try to become the vision of compassion.  I try to smile at her, and cheer her up.  I try to explain in a loving voice that she is sick and these things I am doing will make her well again.  I put everything for myself on hold.

It is so difficult. 

I let laundry go, dishes go---I don't vaccum the floors and fix measly meals for my husband so that I can lay in bed and read stories to her all day.  I recite uplfiting mantras--- The only thing you can control is your own reactions, The only thing you can control is your own reactions, The only thing you can control.......I try to be that flawless mother with the tray of freshly baked cookies who wouldn't ever get her parental licence revoked.

It is so difficult.

I remind myself of Pema Chodron's words in When Things Fall Apart.

No one ever tells us to stop running away from[our emotional reactions]...the advice we usually get is to sweeten it up, smooth it over, take a pill, or distract ourselves, but by all means make it go away.  What happens with you when you begin to feel uneasy, unsettled, queasy? Notice the panic, notice when you instantly grab for something....we use all kinds of ways to escape -- all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.

She is so correct. 

On the inside I want to scream, I want to yell.  I want to throw things and storm off.  I want to ask my husband to stay home from work so that I can sleep.  I want to rush out the door the minute he gets home so that I can have a break.  I want to react to this in a way that will give me some relief.  I want to react in an angry, hurtful, resentful way because I think it will make things better.

It wont. Deep down I know it wont.

I am only feeling this way because---like A. James---I am tired.
I am a good mother, but I am a tired and exhausted one.  Just because I complain doesn't that I am unfit.  That I am undeserving.  This is just another hard spot.  So I remind myself of this.  Over and over again.

That day has arrived and I have no idea what to do.

If you are a mother, I am sure you have dreamed of this day. The day where you wake up and have no responsibilities. None. No errands to run, no baby to diaper and feed, no husband to cook and clean for---nothing urgent that HAS to be done---right this minute---or WWIII might break out.
Nothing to do but things---dare I say it---things for yourself.
We all love our families, love our little precious children, love our supportive and adoring husband---but sometimes we need a little break and we all dream of the day we can eat a relaxing lunch without having to get up from the table 300 times to get various needed items/take the baby to the potty/answer the door/let the dog out/clean cat vomit out of the carpet.


Sigh.


Well, this day has arrived and I feel terrible about it. I am going with N. James out of state, overnight on business. Which means I am leaving A. James with my mother Sunday night and all day Monday. I have this sick "bad mother" guilt in my stomach---although I NEVER do this and have no reason to feel this way. So I am trying to distract myself with thinking about all of the thing I can do (besides call my mother every thirty minutes to make sure my babay is still alive an well without me).


Should I read? Should I spend the entire morning at the pool? Should I go exploring downtown? Should I just nap all day? What about bringing my sewing machine and working on some unfinished sewing projects? Working out in the hotel gym?

So, what would you do if you had an entire day to yourself? No responsibilities?

Where I get rid of a television and live to tell the tale.

When I tell most people that we do not own a television their reaction is very similar to if I had told them I am from another planet. Either they laugh like it is a joke, or they look at me like I am the crazy and spend the next few seconds fumbling over the thought of "how can someone survive without a television."


Let me first say that this happened purely by accident. We are not sans television for any political or religious reasons. Before A. James was born, we had television and cable. We never watched it. My husband worked third shift and didnt have time. I went to school, studied, and worked part time and didn't have time. We watched two or three shows and paid almost $70.00 a month. After a while, we started thinking that we could just buy the seasons of the shows we like instead of watching the old re-runs for $70 bucks. So we cut our cable off. If we wanted to watch something, we'd rent a movie or watch it on the computer. We would go days without watching someting. We started to realize how much more we were getting done and how much more time we were spending together doing something other than just watching movies.

We liked it.

Then we had A. James and sold our house and moved in with my parents while we tried to find something to rent closer to home. My parents love television. They have three and keep them on all day even if they are not in the room. We were so used to that silence. All the noise was very hard to get used to. Also, we had already made the decision that we were going to try to keep A. James away from television until she was older for many reasons.

We stayed there for two months before we found our own house to rent. We moved everything in. Including our T.V. The first time we tried to plug it up it didn't work. We pushed it out onto the curb, but a sign on it "Free T.V." and that is the k.end of the story. In it's place we put a 55 gallon fish tank. I think we are all much happier.

What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.

There have been a few things on my mind as of late. Mostly I've been thinking about happiness pretty often and what makes people truly happy and what does it mean to be "happy." I guess I first started thinking about this around my birthday. I was out with some friends---all of whom are un-married and do not have children. They were complaining about how they "don't have their lives together" and that they need to start thinking about getting everything in "order." I found this hugely amusing because this is the same conversation I have internally almost every day, although I have some of the elements that they considered important for fulfilling the status-quo of "life togetherness" which are: 

1. Husband
2. Kid or "family"

I found myself automatically thinking of all of the things that they do have that I do not have like jobs, more personal freedom, the ability to take a shower/potty break without a toddler screaming "Mama! Mama, I need you!" and I brought this up to my friend about how I found it very entertaining that she was complaining about all of the things that I have but take for granted and I complain about all of the things that she has and takes for granted. I'll just go ahead and say this (and also risk sounding just like my grandmother) ---we certainly are jaded. Why is it that we just can't be happy with what we have? Then again, I suppose that is the million dollar question.
I have always thought about how I can be happier. I've done a few things to try to achieve this goal, but nothing ever very seriously and with a lot of effort. I found a very interesting website by Gretchen Rubin author of the book (which I must read) The Happiness Project. I won't go into detail; she explains everything on her website (and is more eloquent than me). However, this is much more proof that most people are sitting around thinking about happiness, being happy, and how to go about doing so.

I've tried to be more mindful about my life since learning about Buddhism in college. The connection between--- not really "happiness"--- but being content (which I feel is a more accurate goal) and mindfulness is pretty strong. I felt this connection for myself as I watched the chapters in my Psychology text books flow in and out of the words written in Buddhist books such as A Still Forest Pool by Achaan Chah to the point of becoming just one text. I kept thinking, "Man, that makes so much sense!" While in graduate school, I learned about Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy and it all seemed to fall into place for me. Then life happened—as it always will, and I put graduate school on hold to be with A. James and watch her grow. I didn't forget about mindfulness, I just didn't see how it could be important to me if I wasn't using it to work with clients. I made a pretty common mistake. Not to mention that it is a mistake I've made before and should have learned from (especially, if I was being mindful). This is the mistake in thinking that knowledge isn't useful if other people can't see you use it. I'm going to try really hard to not make this mistake anymore.


Two things I am going to be mindful of in the future are:

1. Thinking that my college education was a "waste" because of my choice to stay home with my daughter and feeling guilty about my college loan payments.
2. Feeling that it is "silly" to continue to learn about mindfulness methods because I "won't ever use them" in the clinical setting. I can find tons of use for them at home.